Cantebury Tales ala LOLCat

The Son Unit recently read Canterbury Tales. For his Canterbury Tales activity, he translated The Prioress's Tale into LoLCat. Why the Prioress's tale? Because the singing zombie boy thing really weirded him out. Why LoLCat? Because it's ridiculous and anti-Semitic piece and we felt it deserved to be made fun of. ETA: I realize that a lot of scholarly work has been done on the subject of anti-Semitism in The Prioress's Tale. Son Unit is 14, so for the moment we're pretty much taking it at face value. We might talk about authorial intent later, but at the moment we're mostly exploring the satire angle.

Teh proiress tale: tranzlatd
Tranzlashun by Son Unit.

Her begins teh priores tale: in Asia, in large city populatd mainly by Christianz, thar wuz Jewry establishd by lord ov teh land 4 evil purposez ov usury an excesiv gain, which r hateful 2 christ an his peeps. Wan wuz able 2 ride or walk rite thru dis ghetto, 4 it wuz open an unlockd at eithr end. Lil skool 4 Christianz stood at teh farthr end, attendd by lotz da children ov christian dessent, hoo yer aftr yer lernd in dat skool such teachings as wuz needd in dis land; dat iz, 2 sing an 2 read, as small children r accustomd 2 do.

Among thees children thar wuz widows son, lil choirboy 7 yeers old, hoo dai aftr dai attendd teh skool; an he had been taught teh habit , whenevr he saw an image ov christs mommy as he went on his wai, ov kneelin down an repeatin his ave maria. Teh widow had thus instructd her lil son always 2 worship r blesd lady, Christs dear mommy, an he nevr forgot, 4 happeh children lern vry quickly. Whenevr i recall dis situashun, St. Nicholas seems 2 stand before me, 4 he as child did reverence 2 christ.

Dis lil boi, studyin his small book as he sat in da skool wif his primr, herd teh othr children singin teh alma redemptoris as they wuz taught frum their anthem-book. As soon as he dard, he crept closr an closr 2 them, an listend closely 2 teh werdz an teh music til he knew teh furst verse by hart. He did not understand wut teh latin meant, 4 he wuz 2 young an 2 tendr ov an age. But wan dai he beggd schoolmate 2 explain dis song 2 him in his own language, or 2 tell him 4 wut purpose dis song wuz usd. Lotz da tiems on his bare kneez he beggd his comrade 2 explain dis an mak it clear 2 him.

His schoolmate, hoo wuz oldr than he, anzwerd in dis fashion: "dis song, so i has herd, wuz made 4 r blesd, generous lady, 2 salute her, an also 2 pray her always 2 be r halp an succor when we dye. I cant explain dis mattr any bettr; i doez lern 2 sing, but i no knoe mutch grammar."

"Den dis song wuz made in reverence ov christs mommy?" askd teh innosent boi. "nao, certainly, i shall werk mah hardest 2 memorize it all before christmas iz ovar. Though i cud be punishd 4 not lernin mah primr, an even cud be beaten 3 tiems in wan hour, im goin 2 lern it in honor ov r lady!"

Dai aftr dai his schoolmate secretly taught him as they went home frum skool, til he knew teh whole song by hart. Den he sang it clearly an well, werd by werd in keepin wif teh music. Twice dai it filld his throat: as he went 2 skool, an as he returnd home. His complete attenshun wuz fixd on Christs mommy. As i has sed, dis lil boi, when he pasd thru teh Jewry, goin bak an forth, wud regularly sing o alma redemptoris happily an loudly. Teh sweetnes ov Christs mommy had so piercd his hart dat in ordr 2 pray 2 her he cud not choose but 2 sing 2 her as he walkd along.

Teh fuzzy evil, basement kat, r primal enemy, hoo has his wasps nest in Jewish hearts, swelld wif angr an sed, "oh, Hebrew peeps, alas! Iz dis ting which iz worthy ov u, dat such boi shall go along as he pleasez, spitin u by singin song which doez dishonor 2 ur religion?"
Frum dat tiem on, teh Jews plottd 2 rid teh earth ov dis innosent child. Consequently they hird murderr, hoo had hidin place in da alley. An as teh boi walkd by thar, dis cursd Jew grabbd him, held him tightly, cut his throat, an threw him in pit. Threw him, i say, into privy, wer thees cursd Jews emptid their bowels. Oh, cursd peeps ov herod, born again, how can ur evil intenshun halp u? Murdr will out– it nevr fails., especially wer Ceilin Cats glory shall thereby spread. Teh blood criez out against ur cursd act.

Oh, martyr, confirmd in virginity, nao cud u sing forevr in da company ov teh wite lamb celestial–sed teh priores–concernin whom teh great evengelist St. John wrote in Patmos. He sed dat dose hoo nevr experience women in da flesh go before dis lamb an sing song evr new.

Teh poor widow waitd all dat nite 4 her lil child, but he did not return. Therefore, as soon as it wuz dailight, she sought him at skool an elsewhere, her face pale wif fear an her thoughts busy. Finally, she wuz able 2 lern dat he wuz last seen in da Jewry. Her boob full ov mommys sorrow, an half out ov her mind, she visietd evry spot wer she thot thar wuz any likelihood ov findin her lil child. An steadily she crid out 2 Christs mommy meek an kind, hoo at last causd her 2 seek him among teh cursd Jews. She askd an beggd pitifully evry Jew hoo livd in dat place 2 tell her if her child had pasd thru thar. They told her "no"; but aftr tiem Jebus-kat in his grace so guidd her dat she call out 2 her son frum spot near wer he wuz thrown into teh pit.
Oh, great Ceiling Cat, whose praize iz effectd thru teh mouths ov innosents, herein we c ur mite! Dis gem ov chastity, dis emerald, an also teh bright ruby ov martyrdom, lyin thar upright wif cut throat, began 2 sing alma redemptoris so loudly dat teh entire place resoundd. Teh Christian peeps pasin thru teh street gatherd 2 marvel at dis fact, an sent at once 4 da provost. He came immediately without delay, an praisd Christ, teh King ov heaven, an also his mommy, teh glory ov mankind. Aftr dat, he had all teh Jews imprisond.

Teh child wuz taken up wif piteous lamentashun, steadily singin his song, an, honor him wif great proceshun, teh peeps carrid him into teh nearby abbey. His mommy lay faintin beside teh bir; scarcely cud teh peeps lead dis second rachel frum his side.

Without los ov tiem teh provost had all teh Jews slain hoo knew ov dis murdr, wif torchur an shameful death 4 each. He wud not tolerates such evil-doin. “evul shall has wut evul deservez." therefore he had them drawn by wild horsez, an afterwordz he hangd them accordin 2 law.

Teh innosent child lay on his bir before teh high altr while mas lastd. Den teh abbot an his convent hastend 2 bury him quickly. When they cast holy watr upon him, he still spoke; when they sprinkld him wif holy watr, he still sang o alma redemptoris mater.

Teh abbot, hoo wuz holy man–as monkz r, or else shud be–began 2 implore teh young buy an sed, "Oh, dear child, i beg u, by virtue ov teh holy trinity, tell me how u r able 2 sing when in mah jugdement ur throat iz cut?"

"Mah throat iz cut 2 teh bone," sed teh boi, "an accordin 2 nachural law i shud inded has did sum tiem ago. But jebus-kat, as u cud find written, wishez dat his glory shall last an shall be rememberd; 4 da honor ov his dear mommy im still able 2 sing o alma loudly an clearly. Dis well ov mercy, Christs sweet mommy, i always lovd accordin 2 mah ability. When it happend dat i lost mah life, she came 2 me an bade me 2 sing dis song even as i did, as u has herd me do. An when i began 2 sing, it seemd dat she placd kernel upon mah tongue. Therefore i sing, an must sing, in honor ov dat blesd, generous maid til teh kernel iz taken frum mah tongue. Latr she spoke thus 2 me: mah lil child, i shall come 4 u when teh kernel iz taken frum ur tongue. Be not afraid; i shall not forsaek u"

Dis holy monk–i refr 2 teh abbot–drew forth teh bois tongue an liftd off da kernel. Den his spirit left him peacefully. When teh abbot beheld dis miracle, his salty tears trickld liek rane. He fell down prostrate upon teh ground an lay as still as if he had been tid thar. Teh convent lay also weepin upon teh pavement, praisin Christs dear mommy. Latr they rose an went out bearin dis martyr frum his bir. They placd his small sweet body in tomb ov clear marble. Thar he remains nao–Ceiling Cat grant dat we meet him!

Oh, young Hugh ov Lincoln, also slain by cursd Jews–as iz well known, since it happend not long ago–pray 4 us hoo r unstable sinful folk, dat in his mercy teh merciful Ceiling Cat shall multiply his mercy upon us, in reverence ov his mommy Mary. Amen. Her endz teh Prioress tale.

Eyeballs bleeding yet?

😛

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